Hidden behind a smile

 

Just smile they won't see the pain inside. The warmth of your smile and the kindness in your eyes are often used as a facade to hide pain, hurt, turmoil, confusion, and thoughts that aren't shared with anyone. Each of those feelings are carried like rocks weighing down your body. When life goes wrong in so many ways and there seems to be no where to turn all these different feelings can lead to self destruction. When that point is reached within me I feel hopeless, discouraged, alone, unworthy and even thoughts that the world would be better off without me. I am a Christian and know that these feelings are all brought upon by the enemy and he preys on me most at 2 points in life, when I feeling weak and vulnerable and when I am excelling at something I love. When I make a bad decision the enemy is right there to cheer me on he wants to see me fail, make me feel like I am in bondage, shameful, unworthy and tells me that there is no turning back. if he can keep you away from Jesus then he can keep these feelings alive by continually feeding the negative thoughts. Don't allow him to hold you down with the chains of hell. If you are like me you can create your own personal hell inside and no one would even notice because you have learned to hide it so well. People you talk to regularly may not have the slightest idea of any of the battles you fight with in. Even when you try to communicate that something is wrong, sometimes life is so busy and everyone is so wrapped up in everything they have going on the small cues are easily missed. I can portray strong, grounded, encouraged, and paint a picture of everything is alright when in reality that is not always the case. I easily pour myself into working to much, letting life take over me, instead of living life victorious. I know that Jesus loves me unconditionally and that he wants me to live an abundant life, figuring out how to get past bad choices, wrong turns, and alienating myself from the world is a whole different story. I have been truly blessed in life, this life was created for me and I know God has a plan. Sometimes finding the right path means losing everything, hitting rock bottom and having no where to go but up. Prayer works wonders, because Jesus is always there to listen. No matter how far you stray from Him, he will always be there to help you pick up the pieces. I speak first hand because I have never claimed to be perfect and I have made more than my fair share of mistakes, when I stop trying to do things "my way, my time" and focus on one step at a time knowing that Jesus is always on time, no matter how late I am, not only am I a better person, I don't lead the self destructive life that I have at times. I have hurt and been hurt, I have betrayed and ben betrayed, I have sinned, but this can't be the life that was created just for me. Getting past the different emotional baggage that has been a life long journey is not easy, letting go of hurt, pain and allowing the scars to heal is a road less traveled by me. I'm thankful that I have never self medicated with drugs to make it day by day. But that doesn't mean my smile isn't hiding an internal battle that sometimes feels overwhelming. As I gain my footing in this story called life I will not allow the enemy to srteal, kill or destroy my light. The devil has worked double and triple time to gain the upper hand, but I will not allow him to win. I have struggled with trying to gain control of different things to only become more discouraged and overwhelmed, I have listened to the thoughts of suicide, it would just be easier to end it all, the words of being unworthy, hopeless, you will never be good enough, you have made mistakes, you are broken. I am very broken some days, and damaged in so many ways. Waking up out of my sleep in the middle of the night to hear Jesus tell me no matter what the past looks like, no matter any challenge you may face ahead it's going to be alright. I believe him.    If you know someone that is struggling with something reach out to them, pray with them, try to listen to hear what they are saying or not saying. With suicide rates at an all time high in our country, don't allow the smile to hide the pain. Sometimes the simplest things are what allows someone to hold on and make it through what ever it may be that is overwhelming them to a point of feeling like they are drowning. Live in community and abundantly. Show grace and mercy just like Jesus shows us. Love unconditionall, encourage, and speak life into others.    💖💖💖